When the Good Lord Created MOTHERS!

When the good Lord was creating mothers, SHE/He was into HER/His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said: "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And the Lord said: "Have you read the specs on this order?..."

"She has to be completely washable but not plastic; Have 180 moving parts... all replaceable; Run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said: "Six pairs of hands - no way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems, said the Lord, it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." That's the standard model? Asked the angel.

The Lord nodded, "One pair that sees through closed doors so that when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' she already knows. Another in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know. Then, of course, the ones here in front that can look at a child when he messes up and says, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, "come to bed."
"I can't said the Lord, I'm so close to creating something so close to Myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a 9-year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very closely. "It's too soft," she said. "But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."

"Can it think?" asked the angel. "Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she said. "I told you you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's it for?" asked the angel. The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

"You're a genius," said the Angel. The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there..."

by Erma Bombeck

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Happy IVGLDSW Day! Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!  And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'   To the Girls !!    Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.    ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~        Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out..   But I can usually shut her up with cookies.      ~ Unknown~     The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.     ~ Helen Hayes (at 73)~      I refuse to think of them as chin hair.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.       ~ Janette Barber~      Old age ain't no place for sissies.     ~Bette Davis~      Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.       ~ Caryn Leschen ~       If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.       ~Catherine~     I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.  (This is my personal favorite)     ~Roseanne Barr~    Behind every successful man is a surprised woman    ~Maryon Pearson~    Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.       ~Eleanor Roosevelt~    Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.  (Five!!! You've got to be kidding.... Every girl on my email list just got this one...)When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

* WHY I LOVE MUM *

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed'


She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.


She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.


She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.


Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.


Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'


'I'm on my way,' she said.


She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked..


She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.


About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'


And he did...without another thought.


Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?


CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL...... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

Funny Jokes for Mother's Day

After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was "that"?'

The Vocabulary Of A Mother

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
• Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.

Dear Mother

Mother's Kitchen

I love my mother's kitchen;
It's always bright and gay,
With flowers on the windowsill
To brighten up the day.

The kettle gaily singing,
The shining kitchen floor,
The smell of spice and homemade bread
When you open up the door.

I love my mother's kitchen,
For the family gathers there;
The laughter and the joy we share
Are way beyond compare.

The other rooms in our old house
Hold comfort, peace, and rest;
But my mother's homey kitchen
Is the room we all love best.

by: Mildred L. Jarrell 

NEXT SURVIVOR

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.  Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.  There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids;  keep his assigned house clean,  correct all homework,  complete science projects,  cook,  do laundry,  and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.  In addition, each man  will have to budget enough money for groceries each week.  Each man  must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.  Each man must also take each child  to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and  inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a school function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,  planting flowers outside, and keeping it  presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television  when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.  The men must shave their legs,  wear makeup daily,  adorn themselves with jewelry,  wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,  keep fingernails polished,  and eyebrows groomed  During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe  abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches, have extreme, unexplained mood swings  but never once complain or slow down from other duties.  They must attend weekly school meetings and church,  and find time at least once to spend  the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them,  brush their teeth and  comb their hair  by 7:30 am. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, doctor's name, the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear,  and what they want to be when they grow up. The kids vote them off the island based on performance.  The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!  After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it. Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

Shopping

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks." 

Mothers' Fantasy

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's' fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

Just a Mom

Just a MOM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is, " explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a ...?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it, said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed..

What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out..
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the human ties,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.


Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates?"
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants."

It's all in how you Punctuate!

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his
students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!

I'm worth a lot!

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman :"What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and ask, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." 
She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" 
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." "I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." 
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster."
"I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded." 
"I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself." 
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. 
He said, " You're asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."