Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me:

Logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

To Appreciate A Job Well Done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

Religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Time Travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Irony: "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

The Science Of Osmosis:"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

Contortionism: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

Stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

Weather: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

How To Solve Physics Problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

Hypocrisy : "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

The Circle Of Life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Behavior Modification: "Stop acting like your father!"

Envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Logic... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

Medicine... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

To Think Ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

To Meet a Challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

Humor... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Become an Adult... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

About Sex... "How do you think you got here?"

Genetics... "You are just like your father!"

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Wisdom of Age... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

Anticipation... "Just wait until your father gets home."

Receiving... You are going to get it when we get home.

Justice "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

Things Mothers Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

Famous Mothers Might Have said the Following:

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary's Mother: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

Humpty Dumpty's Mother: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

Babe Ruth's Mother: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

Napoleon's Mother: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

Custer's Mother: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

Abraham Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

Barney's Mother: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

Goldilocks' Mother: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

Little Miss Muffet's Mother: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.

Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

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